To that end, I've decided I need a focused plan for keeping more connected to God before joining in fellowship with others at church.
I swore I would never treat my children the way my siblings and I were treated when we were growing up. I swore my kids would never have a reason to question whether they are loved.
When I was still a perfect parent--living under my parents' roof, wearing clothes they bought for me, talking on the phone (a landline!) they paid for; I swore I would never treat my children the way my parents treated me. I wouldn't keep my children from doing what they wanted, make them do chores, or tell them no. I would be different. I'd understand them, and treat them with "respect".
For the last two years we have been involved in a Classical Conversations Community, and while it was a great fit for a while, I realize with the changes happening in our family, it is no longer going to be feasible for us.
We prayerfully decided to choose two verses for our family to not only memorize, but to truly take to heart. The Lord wants us to place His words on our hearts and carry them with us--remembering them and truly understanding them.
Years ago I would have made sure she went to bed in that bassinet and slept in that through the night. I would have loved her, snuggled and fed her, and then put her back to bed.
Like I mentioned, I'm no longer that mother.
Today, I'm feeling great, and that knowledge can lull me into a false sense of security. It can cause me to forget the way I feel when it isn't sunny and beautiful. Sunlight therapy isn't enough, and neither is the medication I gave in and started taking two years ago. I need God to help me through this, the same way I need Him in every aspect of my life.
We know that at this season in our lives, homeschooling (HS) is the way to go. I don't pretend to know what the future holds, or what God will place on our hearts at a later date. Right now, however, this is our great calling.
Today, turning to the LORD hasn't been as spiritually lifting as it usually is. Instead of answers I have more questions. Instead of peace, I have unstoppable tears.
Three days ago we scattered my father's ashes in the Puget Sound. A place he'd always loved. The week leading up to the memorial was rough and emotions ran high with everyone. I wanted nothing more than to forget about the whole thing and keep my father's ashes on my shelf, because as soon as they were removed from their place of honor, lonliness enveloped me. He'd been there since February, a constant companion in my home. It was time to let him go, but I wasn't sure I was ready.