This is the first time in months I've had any desire to write. I fell off the blogging wagon, and when I fall off something I don't just slip off. Instead I'm as graceful as a ballerina with two left feet and a club leg. I swan dive off that wagon, get my toe caught on the edge and end up belly flopping down a rocky embankment, landing with a gooey splash in the slimy remnants of a paper mill's runoff.
An ideal day in my world very rarely includes anyone other than my husband and children. I've never been comfortable being in front of a group of people, or really putting myself out there, because 'out there' is a very judgmental place. Why then, do I hear the faint pounding on the door of my …
Today, turning to the LORD hasn't been as spiritually lifting as it usually is. Instead of answers I have more questions. Instead of peace, I have unstoppable tears.
Three days ago we scattered my father's ashes in the Puget Sound. A place he'd always loved. The week leading up to the memorial was rough and emotions ran high with everyone. I wanted nothing more than to forget about the whole thing and keep my father's ashes on my shelf, because as soon as they were removed from their place of honor, lonliness enveloped me. He'd been there since February, a constant companion in my home. It was time to let him go, but I wasn't sure I was ready.
I knew when I started this journey it wasn't going to be easy, but somehow I didn't expect it to be quite so difficult either. My love and Faith in God isn't wavering--it's growing deeper and stronger-- but I'm floundering. For every step in the right direction I take, I seem to take a hundred steps back the way I came. I don't want to be the person I was. I didn't like her much then, and I'm really not a fan of her now.
Not long ago my husband and I contemplated purchasing a home, but as we began the process we quickly realized my student loans were going to be a huge (like $72,000 huge) hurdle. This led to our first aha moment. Even though this wasn't really a positive thing for us, and it was a huge disappointment, it came to be a huge blessing.
Some days are easier than others. There are great days, and then there are days when I'd rather never get out of bed again. On those days even sunshine doesn't seem as bright, and I am reminded just how imperfect I really am.