Being and adult is hard. Heck, being a human being at all is hard. Especially in a world darkened by sin. Lately, I’ve felt that darkness creeping closer to me, and I’ll be honest and say I haven’t always made the right choice and turned to God. Instead, as is too often the case, I’ve turned inward.
Toward my own thoughts.
Toward my own memories.
Away from the Bible.
Away from God’s love.
Toward earthly comforts.
Away from God’s healing.
Away from God’s love.
Away from God’s forgiveness.
I could blame circumstances for my choices and decisions. I could say that battling bronchitis for over a month has worn me out. I could say the childish behavior of others have been responsible for this slippery slope. I could even blame grief.
Then I remember that I’m an adult and though I’ve got the freedom to make my own decisions, I’m not free from the consequences of those decisions. I can’t place the blame for my current feeling of isolation anywhere, but where it firmly belongs. On my shoulders. After all, there are countless people in the Bible who had rougher times than anything I’ve experienced. They didn’t blame anyone, and they did the right thing. They turned to God, because He is amazing and would fill their hearts, replenish their strength, and give them the courage to keep moving forward.
In the last few weeks I’ve chosen to not make prayer and Bible study a priority. I’ve allowed those things to be pushed down the list of ‘things I need to do’. Recently, I’ve pushed them so far down, they haven’t been visible on the list.
I’ve been plagued by guilt over this, but even that guilt hasn’t been enough for me to make a change.
Instead, I’ve read countless novels. Choosing to lose myself in fiction instead of seeking God the way I know I should. I’ve purposely been stuborn. I know God is trying to show me something, trying to teach me something, but I haven’t been listening.
This year is supposed to be about Joy, and right now I feel like I was water sking and lost the rope connecting me to the boat. Joy seems to have sped off and disappeared on the horizon while I frantically try to stay afloat in the wake.
I need God, now more than ever.
So why am I blogging about it instead of grabbing my Bible and spending time with God?
Pray for me, dear readers, please.