Since my father passed away, I’ve been even less social than normal. The thought of getting out of my comfy clothes, brushing my hair, and forcing a smile is almost more than I can handle most days.
Monday was particularly hard. It was also the night of our small group study. Most of the day I couldn’t hold in the tears, and everything broke my heart. The heirloom nut chopper my mom had given me shattered, and from there everything seemed to crumble around me like the ruins of an old and forgotten city.
How was I supposed to go out, be happy, smile, and socialize with people I’m just beginning to know? I couldn’t just arrive wearing the workout pants and tank top I’d been wearing since I worked out. What kind of picture would that make? What kind of example would that be for my children?
Even though my daughter and I had already made the snack we were bringing, I couldn’t see myself actually getting out the door, into the car, and to the home where we gather.
My husband came home, and I was curled in a ball on the couch, covered in a blanket and shivering. We needed to get ready to go or we wouldn’t make it.
I had a choice to make. I could stay home and continue to feel pain, or I could go out and try to find a few moments of happiness. So, I prayed, and listened to what the LORD put in my heart.
We made it to small group, and I even managed to change my clothes before we left. I admit the tears continued to fall until I got in the car and we headed down the street, but by the time we arrived, I was feeling lighter.
I can’t say for sure that fellowship heals, but it certainly helped on Monday. God knows what He is doing, even when His will makes us do things we would rather avoid. I still would have preferred to remain in my comfy clothes, but wearing jeans was a small price to pay to move away from the hurt for a few hours.
Not to mention, there was amazing cheesecake there, and I don’t normally like cheesecake. 🙂
May God bless you throughout the week,