On January 31, 2015, my father passed away. In the last few months he had become someone I didn’t recognize–the man with strong convictions and an analytic mind had disappeared. In his place was someone who was angry, and emotional. In all my years growing up I can count on one hand the number of times I’d seen him cry. During the months leading up to his death his tear flowed freely.
He started making decisions he never would have before. His conversations stretched to the outlandish, and his understanding of right and wrong bled together. I made one of the hardest decisions I’d ever had to make, and it broke my heart.
Reading this, one might assume my father was suffering from Alzheimer’s.
My father, the first Hero I ever knew, was being destroyed by Cancer. It began several years ago with Skin Cancer, something the doctors treated, and we assumed had cured. Then, last year the doctors diagnosed him with Prostate Cancer. Again, he went through treatment, and it seemed to be working.
Only, it wasn’t.
Somehow during the treatments the doctors missed the cancer that had spread to his brain, his lungs, and from what I understand into his heart.
None of this was discovered until after his death.
My father knew something was wrong.
I feel responsible.
Even though circumstances kept us apart the final months of his life, he made sure I knew he didn’t blame me.
I wish I didn’t blame myself.
Nothing that happened was within my control, and I know God has a plan for everyone. I don’t know what His plan is, but I know I need to trust in His will.
My father is in a better place, or at least I choose to believe that God has welcomed him home. He isn’t in pain anymore, and he can see and hear again. He can once again enjoy all the things he’d missed out on as his body broke down.
Yet, I can’t help but feel guilt. People tell me over and over that I’m not at fault, that he didn’t blame me. I just wish God would help me to believe that as well.
I need strength to get through this. I need not only understanding from those around me, but from myself as well.
LORD, I pray for strength and healing. Lift my spirit up, and bring peace to my soul. Heal me from the inside, and grant me the forgiveness I can’t seem to give myself.